I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
