Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
