i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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