if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
