i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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