How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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