her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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