yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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