She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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