:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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