My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
