i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
