It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
