Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Oh god it's open bar.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
