We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
