when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
