12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
