420 ftw
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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