She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
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We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
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Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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