peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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