Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
