I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
