Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Me too!
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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