Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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