SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
