Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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