Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
