i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
