life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Vodka?
Forever.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Randomize
