I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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