I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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