I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
