It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
zippers are such a cool invention
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
