The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
