i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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