last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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