Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
did you just send me my own nude
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
