I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
