if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
