I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
