if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
