they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
