I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
