I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
