so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
