Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Less talking, more tequila
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
