Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
