2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
