Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
