Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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