I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
