peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
