I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
