What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Randomize
