Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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