Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
