I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
