guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
It's rum buckets o'clock
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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