I think I died a long time ago.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
