I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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