We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
