I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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