If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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